Things could be much worse...

[Katie]

Justin, and everyone else who has been touched by cancer, I offer my sincere condolences and hope for recovery to those still battling it.

I do have to say that I'm with Kathy on this one though. And it disturbs me because you are so young and still think like this, probably because you are the same age as my daughter. But for me, it comes down to this. I am simply not strong or brave enough to face many more years of this kind of pain. Some days I measure that in months.

I guess my philosophy is this...everyone is going to die some day, and I have had a lot of very good days in my stay here on earth. But if I cannot be productive and in fact cause more stress and pain to others because they worry about me so much, then I would rather not be here.

We have a very good friend in her 80s, and we have had a number of conversations along this line. She suffers from DDD and a great deal of pain in her neck and lower back, similar to me. She also fractured her hip badly in a fall this spring and although they did surgery, there is still a lot of damage and that pain is even worse than in her spine.

She tells me often that she prays to die, for God to take her, and I understand completely. While her husband is a wonderful man and very compassionate, he is in wonderful health and does not understand her misery and why she doesn't just 'work through it'. He has never had an injury in his life. I simply could not bear to live another thirty years and be in her position. Death in her case would be the kindest thing, and I wish our society was more open minded about assisted suicide.

My pain management doctor has spoken several times about the hopelessness of some situations and how several have tried to commit suicide, one by using a cross-bow. She was so angry, saying that the system ignored him and his pain until he did that, then they took him seriously. She said that pain isn't 'glamourous' (wrong word, but other health issues have actors as advocates) as other things, or diseases that can be identified easily, so it is pushed to the back of the pack in terms of urgency.

This may come down to how much faith a person has, and how at ease they are with their 'future'.

Justin, we have had an alarming number of cancers hit people in our little village, some families having their mother and daughter being diagnosed within months of each other, and there have been some very rare and aggressive types. I can name six since last fall, and I don't know many more than a couple of dozen people here. It has caused great heartache and we pray that each and every one of them recover quickly and fully.

I think that their situation is completely different than one of lifelong chronic pain. If we asked any of those with cancer if they would want to carry on treatment indefinitely, if they knew they would never be pain free or healthy again, we would probably get a split on those who would want to go on, and those who would want to stop their pain sooner than later.

I have to say that my opinion on death has changed considerably since I was your age. Now, I just don't want to waste precious oxygen Don't take this the wrong way...I'm not in a hurry to go, but I need to get better in order to continue my will to live.

CL, I loved your analogy.

This thread has taken an interesting twist, hopefully not too morbid and again, my best wishes to everyone's friends and families.

[Cindylou]

I couldn't agree more Katie. I think one's perspective on death does and should change as we mature and get older. I believe you and I are looking at death through a different lens, partially based on our age and life experiences. Then again, chronic pain early in life, like in Justin and Kathy's situation, can make you savvy beyond your years. I had my first major surgery when I was 19, taking a bad fall skiing down a black diamond, last day, last run. Classic signs of "too tired, should have quit on the run before this one." I have had three surgeries on that left knee over the years, and am still buying time until I absolutely have to have a knee replacement. I am 56 now, and due to my bicycle fall have had 4 back surgeries, a rotator cuff surgery, and a hip surgery, all within the last 3 years. Am I tired of pain? You can bet your bottom dollar I am! And like you, I just don't know how much more I can handle. I need something to give soon.

[Katie]

I have to admit that I sound like the grim reaper compared to others on this post I don't feel that it comes from depression or anything like that, more from a realistic view, perhaps the only one I might have

That must have been quite the bike accident. My husband bought me a new bike a few years ago, and then gave me a hard time about it when I didn't ride much. On my third trip out, I fell hard when trying to stop, as I had just gotten out of a cast for a broken leg. It was at the beginning of my serious back pain, and I was starting to feel very nervous about my lack of balance, etc. It has been parked ever since. I'm so sorry you have had so many different problems. I think I am lucky to be so dosed up on morphine. I believe that what were minor pains a few years ago in my hip, etc. have probably mushroomed into more serious ones...the joys of old age.

I hope you truly get your break soon, Cindylou. You are one tough and brave woman.