Very Stressful Day

[Cindylou]

I started off my morning frantic. I got to my p.t. appt. at 7 am this morning and my therapist gave me a funny look and said we don't have a session right now. I thought, no way. Then I panicked. OMG, was my pain management appt. at 7 am??? I drove home in a tizzy and franticly called them up ready to beg. The scheduler calmly says your appt. is at 8:45 am. You're fine. Whew. I then search again for my day timer, and finally find it, which had all my appointments on it accurately. Dumbo here. So I head to my pain management appt., not sure what to expect after my fiasco last week. The doctor discusses my pain and recommends doing the facets at another level higher. We also talked about the pain and he said he thought it better to be on Oxycontin ER, and just have some percocet for break through. He gave me a month supply of the Oxycontin. After the procedure he told me that my insurance does not cover cauterization of my facet nerves, but he was going to write a letter to them documenting all the conservative treatment I have had. So fingers crossed. He said he was going to tell them it is either life time narcotics for me (ugh) if they don't approve it or a pain pump. He thinks they will say yes because it is so much cheaper to do the cauterizing than have a pain pump installed. But who knows anymore? I really got good relief from the numbing medicine again for awhile longer than 2 weeks ago. Instead of 4 hours, it was closer to 8 hours. Tomorrow I call them back and report this news. And then I wait to see what magic the doctor can do by writing the letter.

[Cindylou]

Yeah, it was pretty stressful. Soon as I got home I found my daytimer and called. Soooo relieved I hadn't missed it. It was just a very stressful and traumatic day all the way around. These are just a smidgen of the roller coaster emotions I had going on. My oldest son (the father of Tully) and I got into a major confrontation. He completely misinterpreted a response I sent to him on something, and wrote me the most scathing, character bashing, angry letter I have ever received in my life, while up at the cabin. It was a shock to say the least, because we have...I thought (!) enjoyed a very close relationship since he reached adulthood. I was devastated. I wrote him back my raw, hurt response, and told him not to email me back anything, because we needed face to face time, when I got back to twin cities. Of course, he didn't, which was good, but my daughter-in-law, his wife natch, called me on Sunday because she wanted me to call him and resolve the issue. I couldn't even carry on a conversation, I was so upset. Just bawling and I told her I was in no condition to have a conversation with him at the moment. Of course, he could have called me as well, but did not. She called me several times Saturday, worried sick about me and the whole issue, which was comforting, because I know she loves me, but I felt it had to wait. On Monday (yeah, yesterday...remember how I started my day off?!) after pain appt, and right before p.t. appt., I called her cuz his phone is broken, to see if he would like to meet me for coffee after p.t. He agreed and I met him at designated coffee house. Or, shall we say I waited on him for about 25 minutes, sipping my coffee, and waiting more. I finally call my d-i-l again asking if he is coming, and she says he should be there anytime.
I must have waited 40 minutes on him, and finally got up to order my sandwich, hungry and tired of waiting. He finally shows up and without going into all the logistics, let me just say, it was rough. He really was so angry, that at one point he jumped up and walked out. I had taken maybe 2 bites out of my sandwich, damn. I got up and walked out myself to get in my car. What a mess. I ended up calling his wife to inform her of our progress Now, was I not taking the high road by still offering an olive branch, to get this resolved?? She called me back asking me to meet him over at their house. He had walked home. I begrudgingly said yes, even tho I preferred neutral territory. It turned out to be a good thing because Tully was up and she immediately wanted me to hold her. So we took a break from the fighting and I just had a love fest with her. Finally, his wife said, "talk to your Mother." So, I ask you: have you ever been accused of being too devoted of a Mother? This was just one of the many things he charged me with. Ok. He eventually calmed down and acknowledged he had some issues he probably needed to seek therapy for. Ya think?! We did make up, although, I am going to find myself being extremely guarded with him in the beginning I know. I sure don't want him to misinterpret anything else I say! Here is my one and only example of my dirty laundry, so bear with me: he recalled a time, over a year ago, during the period when they were attempting to conceive. It took them about 9 or 10 months. We were at the cabin with them for a relaxing weekend, and I am a big birder, ok. We were talking about the loons, and I said something along the order of (I honestly don't even recall the conversation) that loons mate for life. Periodically, in the bird world, if their is no offspring together, a loon may leave it's mate in search of another. So........hear me out. If you can believe this, he said I wasn't talking about the birds, but about them. Because I was worried I might not have grandchildren! There was no getting him to believe that I was only talking about my beloved loons! So, I let it go. After this tumultous time wrapped up, my d-i-l wanted me to go to Costco with her and Tully. In the car, she was so relieved, because she said she thinks of me as her true Mom, and a role model. (thank-you God, I'm not a total f___ up to someone.) She mentioned that it's crazy how you can do all these things right raising your kids, and then there is that 1 thing they remember that pisses them off for life. See why I love her so? I just had to get this off my chest. If your children are still young, don't say I didn't forewarn you. They will sure as shootin' drag something up in adulthood, that makes you want to say..........talk to the hand!

[KBear]

CL- I'm so sorry he reacted that way. I completely understand how you are feeling.

I have not gone through this with my children; but with my brother and somewhat my father. My brothers and I have always been very close, with them visiting me nearly daily. When my older brother met his now wife, things started to change. He would come over; but tell me that I couldn't tell her. He would get a call from her at my house and have to lie and say he was on a job. He told us that she was having him propose; but not to tell. He went through this whole elaborate proposal day she told him to do. Then, when he proposed she called and told us and said she had no idea (even though he told us she picked out the ring and all the other stuff). She claimed they weren't having sex until marriage, even though he said they were. One evening at my house, he even said it with her there and she admitted it; but then later she would say they weren't to me and all others. There were tons of lies, about dumb stuff. He would tell us something; but then say don't tell her.

Then, 3 years ago, I called and confronted my older brother for having my younger brother agree to cosign a loan for him, to find out that not only did he cosign, but he bought the house for him. My older brother was nowhere on the loan and had tricked my younger brother into buying a house for him (at the time, my younger brother was living with me). My older brother denied it, said he was only the cosigner. After hours of arguing, I finally said fine, if what you are saying is true, then I take back what I said and I am sorry for jumping to conclusions (my younger brother is the one who told me that he bought the house). I said, if you are lying, and what he said is true, then I stand by everything I said and I think that is dirty and can not believe you would treat family that way. My older sister was also in on the call and said the same thing I said.

Well, for the next year, my older brother refused to speak to me or see me. He finally called a year later to say he wanted to make peace. I said me too. I then asked in a non-confrontational way if he had lied to me. He claimed he honestly did not know if he was on the loan. He was very pleasant about it and I asked him to find out for my younger brother, who was wanting to buy a house of his own. I told him all he had to do is look on the payment statement and see if his name is on it, or call the lender. He agreed to do it. Then, that night, he calls me irate, calling me every name in the book. He swears his wife is not behind this (which I know is a lie, because we have never had a fight we couldn't resolve until she came around.) I talk to both of them and ask what is the big deal, why won't they just find out for my younger brother. I say at this point what is done is done, so just find out. If they honestly don't know, why not just find out. His wife tells me it's none of my f'ing buisness and I respond that they don't even need to tell me, just tell my younger brother (my younger brother had asked several times and my older brother would just change the subject. My younger brother is very non-confrontational and was afraid to push the envelope, as he had seen what happened to those who did. My older brother at that point was not talking to me, my sister, my mom or any of his grandparents (who had nothing to do with the fight)).

The next day, my younger brother called the realtor and lender and found out that yes he was the only one the loan. I called my older brother and told him this, which I know he already knew. We had a civil converstation and I thought the fight was over. Well he then went on to lie to my dad and I called him out on it. My dad sided with him. I was irate at this point, and called the lender (who I personally know) and had him tell my dad that yes my younger brother is the only one on the loan. My dad called and confronted my older brother, who then played the stupid card. He then started making up lies about me to my dad, telling him I did drugs and all kinds of crap. My dad would believe him, I told my dad I would be more than happy to take a drug test and didn't understand why he didn't believe me when I was the one who was proven to tell the truth and my older brother was the one proven to tell the lies. At this point, my dad and my relationship became a bit estranged, as I was hurt with his taking sides. My dad would tell me that my older brothers wife was scared of me and I was mean to her, when I should have been the one scared and she had been beyond hateful to me. At one point, I sent my brother an email explaining my position and asking for forgiveness for the mean things I said; but also saying that I am not sorry for helping my younger brother find the truth. He called the cops on me! He said I was harassing him.

We didn't speak for 9 months (he also didn't speak to my mom, sister, or other brother). We then found out he had cancer. My younger brother and I went to his house to call a truce. We told him that we loved him, that it didn't matter about the house, that we just want a relationship with him. We had a good conversation and were back to normal. His wife then comes out, pulls him aside and he all of the sudden tells us we need to leave. I try to give her a hug and she completely stands stiff and does not respond (during this whole thing, she has been the one behind it). I then find out that that night they got in a big fight because she didn't want him to be around us and he told her that she needed to get over it (she is very emotionally abusive to him and her behavoir matches word for word that of an abuser. Within a month of their marriage, she started isolating him from friends and family, making up fights). He then calls me and says that he wants to sit down and talk some time; but after chemo. I say that is fine, but that I am over it, I don't want to rehash an old fight. I then find out through the family grapevine, that his wife has it where if I show up at the hospital to see him, I will be taken out by security. I am hurt and can't believe that he is going along with this. I don't call him anymore, as I don't want to stress him during his cancer treatments.

A year and a half has passed since then. He never called me, he never made an attempt to contact me. Last night, I ran into him. We talked, compared surgery scars and made small talk. He then says that we need to all sit down and talk about this and they need to set some boundaries with family. Basically, the way his wife works is you play by her rules and kiss her butt, or you don't play with them! I say that is fine; but I have no hard feelings, that I just want to put it in the past and move on. We talk some more and he leaves on a good note. I doubt he told his wife he saw me, or she would be mad. He has to hide stuff from her, or she goes nuts on him. When we were still talking, we would be on the phone, and I would hear her coaching him on what to say.

I would like to say I am hopeful that him and I are past this; but I'm not. He currently speaks to my mom about once a month and my younger brother about once a week. He hasn't spoken to my sister in 3 years, or even seen her youngest son, who is almost 3. He also no longer speaks to my dad. It is so sad and hard for me not to have a relationship with him; but I just have to trust that God's will will be done. At first, it kept me up at night, I would cry and cry and beg God to change it. Then, I came to the realization that there is nothing I can do or say to fix it, only God can do that. I finally told myself that I swept my side of the street, made peace and had done all could do. I can't sweep his side of the street for him, only he can. I know just pray that one day we will have a relationship and have peace in knowing that I have done all I can do.

Ok, sorry for hijacking your thread; but I definitely am an 'explainer' so, a short story wasn't possible for me.

[Cindylou]

Oh, no worries Kathy on hijacking. I am an explainer too. Hence, my long-winded "novel!" Oh, the blissfulness of the dysfunctional family, huh?! My son just got off work and left a little bit ago, from picking up Tully. Today's hours were from 3:30 pm to about midnight. (and I devour every second of it with her) Well, out of the blue he walked up to me as I was packing up Tully's toys and said, come here, I need to give you a hug. He held on a long time. All good, but like I said, it is going to take awhile for me to build up the trust in him.

[KBear]

Oh, no worries Kathy on hijacking. I am an explainer too. Hence, my long-winded "novel!" Oh, the blissfulness of the dysfunctional family, huh?! My son just got off work and left a little bit ago, from picking up Tully. Today's hours were from 3:30 pm to about midnight. (and I devour every second of it with her) Well, out of the blue he walked up to me as I was packing up Tully's toys and said, come here, I need to give you a hug. He held on a long time. All good, but like I said, it is going to take awhile for me to build up the trust in him.

completely understand. I, personally, don't understand why people hold grudges from childhood. I definitely did not have an ideal childhood, my dad was an alcholic and my mom was emotionally absent. I have completely forgiven both of them and cherish the years I have left with them. To put it best, I was only under their roof for 18 years and any abuse that took place has since been 11 years ago; I can dwell on that or live my life. I chose to live my life; but do know people who still dwell on things that happened over 20 years ago. It's absurd to me, you gotta live in the present. It would be one thing if the parent was still pulling the same old stuff; but when they are sorry, I don't see anything good coming out of not forgiving them.

Glad he made an effort to give you a hug, which I am sure was very hard for his pride to do. I pray that you guys can have the relationship you both so desire.

[Cindylou]

Yep, thanks again Kathy. I don't get why folks hold onto crap either. My Mother was mentally unstable (never knew her diagnosis back then cuz I was only in 3rd grade). My Dad had her committed to a mental hospital (I know, I know, psychiatric hospitals now, but that's what they were called back then, and the poor stigma of it all.) My Dad divorced her while she was "recovering" in the hospital, and ended up having her parental rights terminated. So mother abandonment issues when I was quite young definitely motivated me in adulthood to be a devoted mother myself. So, yeah, I hear what you are saying. Not an ideal childhood here either, but I like to hold onto all the good memories myself..

[daveinaustin]

One challenge of human nature is that we tend to over-emphasize and hold onto the negatives instead of the positives.

Trying to pull the point off of family issues, since they can be too painful for all us, I'll reflect upon a broken friendship, which I'm sure is similar to most of us.

Back in college, I had a close friend for over five years that was broken up over a dumb game of frisbee golf! He cheated and got mad when my other friend and I "called him" on it. He said some nasty, personal things that instantly terminated our friendship.

In retrospect, it is a shame to have a close friendship end so easily. Friendships can take years to build, and can sometimes be shattered over a few words. In hindsight, we should have resolved the issue and rebuilt the friendship.

The point is that I gave up an important friendship over a meaningless, childish dispute. If we didn't go separate directions in life, I would like to think that we would have resolved the problem, and sincerely wish it didn't end on such discord.

Similar to back surgery, relationship healing can be slow. In sincerely hope that things will soon improve with your son.


-Dave

[Justin]

CL,

I'm just now catching up on everything going on. I know things will get better with your son. Family is family and sometimes we do "dumb" things and hang on to stuff when we should just let things go.

I wish you the best and give that incredibly cute Tully a big kiss for me!

[KBear]

Yep, thanks again Kathy. I don't get why folks hold onto crap either. My Mother was mentally unstable (never knew her diagnosis back then cuz I was only in 3rd grade). My Dad had her committed to a mental hospital (I know, I know, psychiatric hospitals now, but that's what they were called back then, and the poor stigma of it all.) My Dad divorced her while she was "recovering" in the hospital, and ended up having her parental rights terminated. So mother abandonment issues when I was quite young definitely motivated me in adulthood to be a devoted mother myself. So, yeah, I hear what you are saying. Not an ideal childhood here either, but I like to hold onto all the good memories myself..

That's great. I don't know why everyone can't do this!? My mother and I still have an off an on strained relationship, but I do talk to her and love her very much. I have just had to learn to protect myself from her, my feelings and emotions. I don't even think she realizes half the time how mean or insensitive she can be. I know that while she was married to my father he hurt her deeply; but it takes two to tango and she had ownership in it too.
I have also taken the bad in my childhood and turned it into a positive. In many ways, we all swear we will 'never' do this and that that our mothers did. It never really hit me just how emotionally absent and abusive my mother was, until I held my first baby in my arms. When I saw that little innocent life, I swore to myself and God that I would do everything in my power to protect her and love her with all my heart. It was then, and the months following, that I just couldn't believe things my mother had done (weird how it all seems 'normal' until you get older and know better?).

For instance, when I was in labor with that first baby, I had invited my hubby (of course) and my mom to be in the room with me when she was born. Well, I had a horrible 36 hour labor, during which time, my mom stayed for the first day about 5 hours, came back the next day for 4 and decided it was "taking too long" and left me! All I wanted was my mom and she left. I couldn't believe that she wouldn't cherish seeing her grandaughter born, or that she would leave her child in pain. And my mom doesn't work or have any health problems or any reason to not be there, she was just bored. Luckily, my step-mom (who I had only known for 3 years) came and was with me. I have gotten over the anger of this happening; but it does still hurt that she did it.

I have had my dad and step-mom both tell me what a great job I am doing raising my children and how proud they are of me for breaking the cycle. I am very proud of that, as it is alot easier to just go with the flow, than to step out of the box. I wish more people would move on and do the same.

[Cindylou]

I don't know how we got off on this topic in a pain management forum, but I certainly have enjoyed this discussion Kathy. Thank-you for your vulnerable honesty. It is very refreshing. (if Justin needs to move it to The Lounge, that is fine with me) Besides, I love The Lounge!