ALIF date (yikes)

[Kimberly]

I am fairly new to the forum but did post in the new member section a while back (and received some very kind and helpful advice - thank you.)

Well......sigh......My surgery has been scheduled (yikes) I'll be having a 2-level ALIF (L4-L5, L5-S1) on June 29th.

I (like so many of you, I am sure) am very nervous but feel it is where I need to go next. Strangely enough, even with all of the time it has taken me to get to this point and to this decision (like, 10 years!) I STILL find my brain is in overdrive with ...."maybe you'll get better. You know, today WAS a better day...." kind of dialogue. I guess I had hoped that once I had made the decision and the surgery was approved and a date was set, that I could sort of let that internal conversation go. Be at peace with it. Guess not.

Does this sound "normal" to anyone? As completely "psycho" as this sounds, I almost welcome the really bad days when the pain is at its worst. It's on days like these that I am comforted that I made the right decision. On "good" days (which, as you know, aren't really all that great) I find my mind plays tricks on me and like a little devil on my shoulder, taunts me about my decision. sigh.

Kimberly

[Justin]

Hi Kimberly,

It's great that you have a date for surgery!

I (like so many of you, I am sure) am very nervous but feel it is where I need to go next. Strangely enough, even with all of the time it has taken me to get to this point and to this decision (like, 10 years!) I STILL find my brain is in overdrive with ...."maybe you'll get better. You know, today WAS a better day...." kind of dialogue. I guess I had hoped that once I had made the decision and the surgery was approved and a date was set, that I could sort of let that internal conversation go. Be at peace with it. Guess not.

Does this sound "normal" to anyone? As completely "psycho" as this sounds, I almost welcome the really bad days when the pain is at its worst. It's on days like these that I am comforted that I made the right decision. On "good" days (which, as you know, aren't really all that great) I find my mind plays tricks on me and like a little devil on my shoulder, taunts me about my decision. sigh.

Kimberly

ALL of the above is completely normal and, I would venture to say, that almost all Spine Patients experience this. I felt surprisingly better (a few weeks) before each of my 3 spine surgeries. I believe this happens for a few reasons: 1) as humans, we do all we can to avoid/minimize pain; 2) subconsciously you are "mentally preparing" for the surgery and thus your body is trying to send out signals that say "hey, I'm OK...I really feel better...maybe we can cancel that surgery."

Also, you don't sound psycho welcoming the bad days. You want confirmation that you are doing the right thing.

Be confident in your decision. Be confident in your surgeon. Be confident that the future holds much better days with less pain.

We are here to support you. I wish you the very best.

[KBear]

Ditto what Justin said. I second guessed myself all the way up until surgery (and even after when I had bad days I would wonder if I had made the right decision.) I also felt better and wondered if I had given it enough time (I gave it 3+ years.) I've heard the exact same thing from many other spine patients too.

[Cindylou]

Ditto to both of these replies. That has to give you some comfort, right?! Surgery is such a big decision and it's good that you aren't taking it lightly at all. It shows with your second guessing, but like the others said, yes.....it is soooo normal. I hope this gives you some measure of relief. Hang in there. Better days are ahead. Cindylou

[Katie]

You are not nuts, unless all the rest of us are too Yes, I did the same thing...as everyone said, it's normal behaviour...as normal as I get anyway! Congrats on the surgery date! It will be a very good thing. We will see you 'on the other side' soon

[Kimberly]

Thanks all. It DOES feel really good to know that I'm not alone in how I'm feeling pre-surgery and that I'm not crazy (well, at least not with regard to this.)

Justin, thank you. I will try to remember to:

"be confident in my decision"....You're right. I have, after all REALLLLY thought about this one. Not a quick, spur of the moment decision here.

"be confident in my surgeon".....I am VERY confident here. My surgeon is up-front, kind, honest, never makes me feel like I'm asking too many questions, extremely specialized in spine treatment etc. and as an added bonus was rated one of the top 100 surgeons in the U.S. (although I didn't know that until after my first surgery.) I have always been confident in his SKILL, but your response made me think about the fact that I should also be confident in his recommendations for my specific surgery and his desire to treat me appropriately so I get better. Something in my gut tells me that he does really have my back (pardon the pun) and believes this will work for me.

"be confident that the future holds much better days with less pain".......Thank you for that. One of the negative side effects of this lovely long-term pain companion is forgetting that better days are possible.

I'll hold on to that.

Thanks everyone.

[Catherine]

"be confident in my surgeon".....I am VERY confident here. My surgeon is up-front, kind, honest, never makes me feel like I'm asking too many questions, extremely specialized in spine treatment etc. and as an added bonus was rated one of the top 100 surgeons in the U.S

Hi Kimberly,

I saw my doc. today and he has recommended an ALIF for me also. It's wonderful that you have confidence in your surgeon because I don't have any in this Dr. I was wondering who the surgeon is you are seeing? I see that you are from the Bay Area and I was curious about Stanford Medical Center. I've only been dealing with my problems for 3 years but the thought of surgery is making me very nervous. Even after leaving the docs office today I kept trying to tell myself " hey I think it's not so bad" and "maybe it's going to get better on it's own". And then I remember what is really happening. I hope that everything goes easily for you and if you have any information you could post or PM that would be great. Keep us posted on your progress please. Catherine

[Kimberly]

Catherine,

I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you've been dealing with. But I AM glad to see you've found this forum. There are a lot of really knowledgeable folks here and it's a wonderfully kind and accepting place. So, welcome I'm sorry to hear you don't have confidence in your surgeon. That must be a terribly unsettling feeling. It's hard enough to get to the point where you're contemplating surgery and not feeling confindence in the skill of your Dr. would be an added stress point. As many on here will tell you, you can never have too many opinions. 2nd, 3rd, even 5th opinions (and more!)can give you added confidence that you're moving in the right direction AND can expose you to different surgeons so you can find one that you feel comfortable with and trust. I highly recommend getting multiple opinions. My surgeon is Dr. Paul Slosar (Spine Institute of San Francisco) but I've also been to the U.C. San Francisco (UCSF) Spine Center which has very renown doctors and a top notch reputation. I have not gone to Stanford, but hear good things about them (a friend of a friend is recovering nicely from a 2-level anterior fusion done at Stanford.)

I'd be happy to chat with you further if you'd like. Feel free to PM me (I think you click on my name to do that.)

Hang in there and keep moving forward. Things WILL get better.
Take care,
Kimberly

[Catherine]

Hey Kimberly,

Thank you so much for the information and the support! Yes, I'm very glad that I found this forum. There are a few others out there, but nothing like this. I'm on my fourth DR. about my great spine, and probably going to move on to a fifth shortly. There has to be confidence, the doc who did the surgery on my neck was with the university of Cincinnatti and he was wonderful, and so have been the results of the surgery. It seems as if I spend all of my waking hours on the computer doing research about the best way to proceed so it's really wonderful that I can read about others experiences on this forum. Again, thanks for the info. Catherine

[ocotillo623]

Kimberly, How are you doing? I amnew to the list and gathering info on ALIF as it is recommended for me. Thanks for sharing your fears with the list.