I am done!!!

[treefrog]

Mary, I lost my husband too, when my son was 2 yrs old. I know how difficult it was to raise him alone. And I also know what it is like to have this all consuming pain. Unlike your situation though, my pain didn't come on until my son was grown.

But, you are a strong woman. You have to be, for your daughter. But that doesn't mean you can't feel like the world is crashing down around you. It just means that you will come through it, because you have to, for your little girl. I understand that.

It's difficult though, when all you want is a break.

Good for you, for taking things into your own hands. Go to the doctors office, and tell them that you can't take it anymore, something has to give. An increase in meds (or a different one), so that you are able to cope each day, is certainly something that should be available to you. I hope the doctor listens to you, and helps you.

Happy Mother's Day.

[KBear]

Mary,
I am so sorry that you are going through all this. I know what a battle it is to get care, even with the availability of dr's here in the US, it took nearly 3 years for someone to correctly diagnos me. I was injured when my daughters were 2 weeks and 2 1/2 years old. It was incredibly difficult to try and raise them while trying to care for me. So much of our motherly instinct is to neglect ourselves and put it all in for the kids. This may seem like a good solution; but it is only temporary and in the long run it will benefit your beautiful daughter more to have a pain free mommy. This is the time to be selfish, take care of you, treat yourself like you would a guest... way easier said than done. I also understand that with a young child, you do have to take care of them and perform a 'job' whether your back hurts or not. For instance, I wasn't allowed to lift anything over five pounds for 4 months- my baby was 8.13 lbs at birth. I explained to my dr, that this was just not feasible; that I must take care of my children (not only did I have to take care of them, or CPS would take them; but I want to care for them). I know I was a great mom pre-injury and my kids have had that taken away; but I am going to fight and do everything in my power to give them that back. One day, this will be a distant memory; at least I keep telling myself that. My girls are absolutely, unequivically, the ONLY reason I am still on this earth. I had many a dark day where I wanted to die, where, like Terry, I prayed to die. I even had myself convinced that my family would be better off without me, that they wouldn't have to pull my weight, hubby could remarry a healthy woman, life insurance would pay off house and bills and they could live happily ever after. This is so far from the truth, as nothing could ever replace me in their lives- that is what kept me hanging on - HOPE - I pray the day never comes that I have no hope, no next treatment, because that is what keeps me pushing through to the next day. Your daughter is young and will never remember this, you will find a treatment that works for you and you will be the mommy that God has intended you to be.

I will end with some of my favorite inspirational sayings, that I read when I am down and feeling lonely, deserted and desperate.

If you think I have forgotten, I haven't. Signed, God

He is the only one who walks in, when the whole world walks out.

I also love reading and re-reading Footprints in The Sand.

I think about how Paul was afflicted with what he referred to as "a thorn in his side"; yet he served above and beyond for the remainder of his earthly life.

Lastly, I try and think of all the ways that God has grown me, by allowing me to be afflicted and suffer. I have learned to slow down and smell the roses, not be so serious and uptight, take it a day at a time and so much more. I enjoy the little things in life, I will sit and hold my child all day and not worry that the laundry needs done, the house needs cleaned, etc; I just enjoy her. I have definitely become more confident, learned how to speak up for myself, fight for what I believe is right. So much good has come from the bad. To steal anothers quote, "I wouldn't go through it again, for anything in the world; but I wouldn't take it away for anything in the world"

Keep your head up, march into that dr's office, be assertive and get an appointment- stick to your guns. Be your best advocate and not just for you; but for your beautiful little girl and her future.

God Bless,
Kathy