My Children's fears,My Husband's and my fears !!

[Metalneck07]

This week has not been a very good week here in my home. I feel the stress,the worry and it's taking a toll on the family.I had felt up until this point that as a family we have done quite well getting thru the stress and fears that this entire ordeal has given us. As a Mom in the past I have been able to give the right comfort to my children so they felt better about the situation.Last night my youngest sat done next to me on the couch and cried uncontrollably. She blurtted out that she was worried that my surgery might make it hard for us to have Mommy and her time. It took everything in me not to cry right with her. I did my best and told her how about we have Mommy and her time before the surgery alot so in case we can't for awhile.
I see the stress in my husbands eyes with the worries of how much financially this has taken it's toll.He has all that weight on his shoulder because I can't help out and might not be able to for some time.He worries also because he has taken off so much work to be there for me and is going to have to again.And I know deep down he worries for me that I can finally get to a good place in all of this.
I want to do what's best for my family and I. I just wish the answer to all of this was clear and simple.I have been researching like crazy and asking questions from my doctor as well as here to make the right choice.
I guess how have all of you been able to handle this entire chapter in your life?How do you know you are doing the right thing?How do you help your family thru all of this? I have read all the positive but I have read alot of negative on surgery it has made it hard to find peace.I would appreciate any thoughts of wisdom on this whole thing.Sorry for the longness and for the fact this thread wobbles all over the place. I guess that's how I feel right now like a wobbler.
Thanks .
Caitlin aka Metalneck07

[Katie]

Caitlin, I just about cried when I read your post. I understand how you feel, believe me.

I'll get back to you later today, or can call you if you like. Hang in there....it does get better.

[Cindylou]

Caitlin, I am sorry you and your family are suffering "the spinal blues." It happens to the best of us. How can it not? Chronic pain, surgery (s), the financial stressors, they just take a toll on the whole family....especially the caregiver and financial provider, who is sometimes, not always, one and the same person. I think the very fact that your youngest came to you crying and seeking comfort is actually a good thing: she clearly knows she can lean on you when her world is a bit shaky. And you provided her the comfort she was seeking. That's what families do. They support each other during the good and the rough times. No one lives in a perfect world, and if they think they do they are delusional. Spine families have their own set of stressors just like familes with cancer and terminally ill relatives. Anyone can stay in a relationship when everything is going great, but it's life's challenges that can either make stronger or break relationships. I believe you and yours are made of "the gorilla glue." Yes, it is hard, and yes there are good and bad weeks, months, years, but......you find a way. I have just a little arsenal of goodies that I think help, (and others will chime in with more) that I have tucked in my pocket over all the years since my bicycle accident and here they are: laughter, not taking yourself too seriously, letting the dust bunnies pile up, expressing gratitude to your caregiver, doing more than I think I can do, walking even when I hurt, expressing gratitude to my spouse, more laughter, no whining, remembering life's blessings, doing things that distract me from my pain, doing something for someone else, also doing nice things for myself (saving for a massage, or a pedicure....in my case), communicating with your loved ones, forgiving each other, more laughter, again....not taking myself so seriously. You will get through this. I truly believe you will. God bless you and yours. And again, I know others will chime in with their own bag of tricks. Cindylou (when all else fails, a good cry cleanses the soul......)

[ajj1001]

I guess how have all of you been able to handle this entire chapter in your life?How do you know you are doing the right thing?How do you help your family thru all of this? I have read all the positive but I have read alot of negative on surgery it has made it hard to find peace.I would appreciate any thoughts of wisdom on this whole thing.Sorry for the longness and for the fact this thread wobbles all over the place. I guess that's how I feel right now like a wobbler.
Thanks .
Caitlin aka Metalneck07

Its not a one way process, they helped me too. Its no way easy, but I am closer to my husband and daughters because of it. Mine appears to be developing into an entire book not just a chapter.

I think the worst conversations are the "if I don't make it" one. Any op is a risk so we have broached it beforehand, my kids now have an entire awful funeral planned out that I would hate, after me asking for certain things !

The other difficult conversation is one as to whether it is something they will suffer from in the future (hubbie also has a heart condition), even though they are all grown up its a difficult subject. There is no evidence that there is any problems with them (scans show their spinal dimensions are normal compared to my odd ones, husband was born with the defect and it is not hereditary). It does take alot of reassurance.

Hang in there and PM me if you need anything.

[KBear]

I'm sorry Caitlin that you are going through this and I wish no one had to. It's hard being a spine patient and with a young family there is a whole other set of stressors added to it. I carried a lot of guilt about my condition and how little I could do for my kids and with them. I felt bad that they would miss birthday parties or play dates because mommy was having a bad day. I used to not even be able to tell someone about what we went through without breaking down and bawling. I now see all the areas where we grew and became a closer, more loving, more empathetic family. My kids did miss out on play dates, sports, and other activities where I couldn't commit to a schedule; but they got to have a mom who was available 24/7 for them. Because of all the time I spent at home, we got to eat as a family every night at the dinner table and discuss our day. They could come sit on my lap whenever they wanted. They are very empathetic, loving and caring and try to help people feel better. They are unselfish, because they didn't have a choice. There really are so many positives that have come out of this experience. To quote our Pastor who went through a really bad public depression, he spoke about it and said "I wouldn't go through it again for anything in the world, but I also wouldn't take it away for anything in the world." That's exactly how I feel, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, including myself; but there are so many ways that it made me a better person and my family better people and no amount of money can buy that.

I agree with CL, anyone can hang in a relationship when it's good- that takes no special talent. I also think the whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger applies here too. This experience has produced the absolute hardest times my marriage has ever saw. I was bitter about that for a long time, felt like my life was so perfect when it happened and it wasn't fair- How many times have I told my children "life isn't fair" yet somehow I thought it should be for me. I now see that my marriage is so much stronger than before, that I love my husband more than I ever thought I could. This has also made me a much more open person and I am willing and able to share my personal struggles with others, my life's not perfect and I'm not afraid to say so.

I'm praying for you and your family and I know that you all will only come out stronger and closer,
Kathy

PS. I heard this at a Women's Conference a few years ago and love the analogy. The speaker was talking about adversity and tough times and why we need them to grow. She said that somewhere in the US scientists created an entire enclosed Eco system, trees, rivers, rain, people lived in it, etc- they only thing they couldn't reproduce was wind. After some time in the eco system the trees started to snap in half and break- they could not bear their own weight. It was then determined that the wind blowing on a tree causing it stress, strengthened it so it could bear it's weight. Without that 'adversity' to the tree, it could not survive. So, in the same way, without adversity, we would not grow and flourish as we need to either. Hopefully I didn't butcher the story, but I think it conveys the message

[Gilbert P]

Hi Caitlin

I am with you and feeling the same stress, family,money,work, support etc.

I wish this was over. All we can do is be strong and persevere

As said before things do get better.

Gil

[trkdoc714]

Caitlin,

You're not alone in this at least. You have your family and a lot of friends on the forum.

I understand your pressure. My wife was 2 months pregnant when my first event took place. Needless to say I wasn't much help until only the las several months. Now that it's behind us, I think we appreciate all that life offers both good and bad. If we hadn't had this bad experience, we may never fully appreciate good times with those that stick with us during the bad times.

I hope you find relief soon.

Bob

[Susanna]

Caitlin,
I want to address as many of your concerns as I can.

Family and stress. For me, the two things that has gotten me through my 3 year ordeal is my Faith in God and the people around me. Those people that are not supportive, I have had to distance myself from them, if only for this time. I have grown in my relationship with God in huge leaps over the last 3 years. If it wasn't for my faith, I really do not think I would still be on this earth. I wouldn't find it worth the pain and financial disaster that I have been through.

I have lost a home, my job, my husbands job, and now may be losing another home. My husband is now living a billion miles away working and making less than half of what he was making. Some times it all seems pointless. There hasn't been a part of my body that hasn't been in pain in the last 3 years. Just when I think I am better, another injury puts me back to disabled.

But I know that I have a God who cares for me, and has a plan for my life. That doesn't mean I don't have moment when I am low or depressed, but I pull myself up and I pray and then I praise His name. It may all sound ridiculous, but it's all I have.

The people I surround myself are positive people and people of faith. I have a great group of Christian friends here where I live. They have supported me in every thing that I have gone through. They have brought me food, meals, given me rides and prayed for me. God has seen me through with wonderful friends. I have friends on this web site that I have never met in person that feel like I have known for years. They have helped to educate me, lift me up, push me along, and encourage me. I don't know what I would do without any of them. My husband has been my rock. This has been very hard on him. He is an IRONMAN. He has never had an injury and this has been so hard for him to see me not be able to get off the couch. But he has loved me through this. He has had to dress, feed, shower, clothe, wipe, and care for me in every sense of the word. He has had to go without his physical needs being met for so long that I think he thinks he is a virgin again! lol And yet he hasn't doubted my pain for a second. He has supported me financially and physically all the way. Never being resentful.

Kids are a tough one. My kids are a bit older, my youngest is now a senior in High School. But she was a Freshman in high school when this all started. She has had a hard time with this at times because we have an injury that can't be seen with your eyes. She once told me to stop being such a baby. lol. This was when I couldn't move either of my arms. Kids just don't understand sometimes, no matter what their age. We, even though we are struggling to make it through each day, just have to be strong for them. I applaud you for your bravery! I would have broken down and cried with your daughter. And I don't think that would have hurt either.

Information and making the best decision you can. This is where research and your gut comes in. Ask lots of questions. You need to do lots of research. Get at least 3 opinions. Ask medical professionals what they think of different surgeons. Chiropractors, Physical Therapists, nurses, people who have had surgery, web sites that judge doctors, and even look to see where they went to school, where did they graduate in their class? Have they done research? What experience do they have? Just inform yourself with everything you can. Ask lots of questions. Read lots of research. Then when you have gotten all the information. DO IT!
Know that the technology is always going to be changing. There is never going to be the perfect surgery. Things are always going to be getting better. But you have to ask yourself, "how much of my life, do I want to wait"

Know that you have a wonderful community of people here. You are always welcome to PM me as well! You will be in my prayers!
Susanna

[Metalneck07]

Dear Friends;
I 1st would like to say that I started this letter addressed friends because I consider each and everyone of you a friend.I'm truely touched by each of your letters. Each of you are strong,compassionate wonderful people.As I sat here this morning reading each of your letters I couldn't believe how much each met to me. I decided to print each one (I hope you don't mind) and when times are tough I will pull them out and read them.Your thoughts and wisdom are something I have never experienced before in a group like this. I'm very thankful for all of you . I know now that finding this group of friends was truely a gift at a time in my life that I needed support,information,friendship,knowledge the list goes on.
I'm not very good with words . And sometimes what I feel in my heart doesn't come out just right. I just want you all to know THANK YOU. My family and myself are going to get thru this . I know this because you are all doing the same somehow , someway ,minute by minute,day by day surrounded by our family,friends and God. You all are wonderful God bless.
Caitlin aka Metalneck07

[KBear]

What everyone shared is so true, made me cry (granted I'm a bit emotional right now). Glad you are feeling better about it.