My story.

[Hooch]

Don't mind this, I don't expect anyone to read all this crap, but it's my story. I wanted to get this off my chest, and the internet is anonymous enuff that I can do it here.

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I had a LSD induced psychosis as a teenager, not a fun thing but it settled down. Drugs are bad mmkay. Ended up seeing a psychiatrist as part of that, as is appropriate, but shrink diagnosed me with depression. Truth is I was bloody unhappy, we didn't exactly have a happy upbringing so there was plenty of fat for them to chew on. Anyway shrink said I can help you tell me your story, so trusted and told the whole deal. I was 16 years old at the start of it. The so called treatment went on and on for a few years. Obviously this was inappropriate, but doctors are offered a unique trust by the community. Anyway I was just being tied up in knots and made miserable, and all it was doing was breeding a dependance. Eventually it all went **** as these things must. I eventually realised I was being looked at as nothing more than a collection of psychiatric symptoms, but not before I was referred to another shrink who diagnosed me as psychotic. Obviously I broke down quite severely after I was told this, further evidence of my psychotic state... not because my trust had been completely broken...

So I walked out at 20 or 21, basically completely fucked. No one can really understand the damage the helping professions can impose on someone unless they've survived that sort of ordeal, and the stigma it heaps upon you. Anyway so I had spoken to some useful people in my time who were actually interested in building me up rather than tearing me down, and there were a few lessons I got from them. I was wrecked for a few years, I can't really explain it, I think I was just massively heart broken. My Mum and Dad were no where.. well that's not true they were around and Mum looked after me, they didn't know what to say, they'd split a while back (actually had my old man blame me for the split).. but truth is emotionally they just can't process that stuff.. or know what to say.. can't blame them I didn't either.. my old man never backed me.. what can you do.

So I gradually started to come back online, and set about building my life. I was pretty deconditioned, worked to regain my fitness, started studying and working. Somewhere in there my back popped and left me with some ongoing issues, but I just got on with it and kept on building strength to compensate. Never went to a doctor... couldn't stand the site of them... the medical profession had betrayed me and I never wanted anything to do with them again. I actually mentioned to a GP once that a psychiatrist had made me worse, and he laughed at me, predictably. The arseholes.

Went through one job with back troubles, actually played a season of footy, with episodes of back pain. Heading up north to a new job, had been doing squats since I could feel that my body needed to be stronger. It felt good when I was doing them, but I stiffened up afterward. It was actually the multifidus being so deactivated that anything that switched it on felt great, and the stiffening was from inflammatory juice being leaked out of an annular tear. So kept on trucking, went for a run the day before the new job, woke up felt like someone had stabbed me in the back.

So that's when all the **** started. That was a bad arse tear, l4/l5 was completely ripped open. I was in agony for about 3 months, and worked through it in very physical job. You don't work through that sort of thing, it's just stupid, but I did as I wasn't turning tail. After that things started to settle, but I was left with chronic pain. I didn't know it as that, obviously I thought I was going to rehab it and get back to footy. Anyway on and on it goes, and for a bit there was actually happy with some mates, I honestly was surprised to have that again, friends and a bit of a life. On and on it goes, working full time and studying part time, extremely busy, and ending up in more and more pain. Come home from work and lie on the floor, classic crash and burn, study on weekends. I was enourmously dedicated to the job, something I was very passionate about and sacrificed for, including my health. I loved being out in the sun working. Just loved it. Anyway things took a turn, grub influence settled in, and I ended up doing the right thing by poor people. Got stabbed in the back, including from my so called mentor, anyway, it happens. I felt betrayed and was a white hot sort of angry and hurt, but was also surprised at the pointlessness of it all, and if they somehow thought I'd lie down over it. I'd already got the backstabbing of a lifetime a few years earlier, and these guys were rank amateurs. And they could only do it cos I trusted, and cos by that stage I was in so much blinding friggen pain I didn't really know what the hell was going on. Not that I ever let on... I was sacrificing to be there, I knew I was gone. I work and study all week, then on the Sunday drive 400km round trip to a city centre so I could do my rehabilitation, which I'd squeeze in during the week. I was working like a mongrel, on top of the normal challenge I was happy to have, also had the pain and all the rehab work.

Anyway stayed a while longer, so I could leave on my own terms. Lined up another job, and after 2 and a half years, limped out the door. I lasted a week in the new job, I was rooted. An old bloke there told me I was in pain everyday. I had no access to specialists where I was, had seen one privately who said he could operate, but I couldn't do it off the back of one opinion, wouldn't ever get it done in a regional centre, and faced a 2 and a half year wait for a consult with another specialist, let alone surgery. I could've battled workcover, but they don't help. A bloke went off work with a similar injury and never came back, last I heard he was still battling them 2 years later. Also surgery meant the end of my career that I'd worked so hard for. I'd be mad to try and get back to that industry post-op, and it was probably time to end it one or another anyway.

So in consultation with my old man pulled stumps and came back home, in my mind to have the op, in his I think he somehow imagined I'd just get better with a 'rest'. When I came back I somehow imagined my family would see my distress and help me with the situation I'm in, but this wasn't the case. My bro is a bit of an alco druggie who'd decided to stay home and abuse the **** outta of my Mum when he's 27 years old for gods sake, and i can't listen to it, it's disgraceful. He ended up sharpening knives their one night, cops were called and avo's, blah, I couldn't stay there and wouldn't post-op either as I wouldn't feel safe, I don't trust the bugger not to kick me in the head when I'm sleeping.

So I ended up with no job, savings gone, a surgeon who'd rejected me for surgery after all that, was living with friends of the family and in hotels, and just busted due to the injury. Awesome. I'd worked my absolute arse off the past few years just to have a chance at a normal life, and I couldn't quite believe it when another invisible disorder had just knocked the **** out of me. Couldn't believe it and was absolutely shattered. Was now just trying to get fusion and disc replacement, and I've never wanted it, would run up hills to avoid it, think it's crazy, but now completely out of options apart from 'live with' pain and get a sit down job and eat tramadol. I can't even stand for long with it so just so real limited in options. Honestly don't know if I'd have the mental strength to work through that pain anymore, I just can't keep going through the pain barrier, it's not good mentally and not good pain management. On top of which still a little terrified of medical profession due to past experience that what a doctor says he can do and what he really can are not necessarily the same. Everyone says never have spinal surgery, and it's reputation in the wider community is mud. I know things are improved now compared to where they were 40 years ago, but this feels crazy.

Anyway, felt really rejected by my family as no one even seemed to be interested, actually got told by my Mum that I don't need my family right now. I was used to being let down but Jesus Christ this was starting to test me. I know for a fact they underestimate it, and I realised the hard way that no one really percieves the struggle and achievements of the person with pain. edit- I don't wanna slam my family to much, once push came to shove they've come through in the end one way or another, it was tough to come back to no home to stay, but we got an arrangement sorted in the end. So they're there, and my old man is funding the surgery. Without him I'd be on the workcover merry go round and living with the chronic condition for at least another couple of years, so I'm grateful for that. I may not be able to talk to the old bugger about anything other than the weather, but he'll be there when **** hits the fan, so is good.

Anyway so that's been 10 pretty tough and **** at times years, and I would be glad if things improved.

Anyway I'm feeling better I got all that **** off my chest, was weighing me down. I don't really expect anyone to read that massive wall of text, just wanted to unload. I just can't carry this friggen burden on my own but you can't tell anyone, they dismiss it. Anyway, **** it, it is what is it. Surgery is in a week, gonna drop plenty of hard earned on this damn thing, work hard at my recovery and start studying again as soon as I'm up to it, and just hope and pray to God that things improve enough.

[Cindylou]

Dear Hooch,

I read and reread every breath of your story. I'm truly sorry for all that you have been through. Please don't underestimate that some people actually can and do care. You've been through a lifetime of $hit in your young life, and I'm just guess-timating you cannot be more than 30 to 35 years old, tops. You really put yourself out there with this personal story and familial struggle, and I commend you for that. Did you mention who is going to be doing your surgery? What type treatment are you having done? Sorry if I missed that. You are always upbeat here on the forums, offering sage advice, possessing a quick wit. I'm enjoying "getting to know" you. I wish you only the best with your upcoming surgery and recovery process. I'll be eagerly watching for your posts after surgery! God bless you, Cindylou

[KBear]

Hooch,
I also read all of your story and am sorry you have had to go through all that. It is so hard for people who have never been in our shoes to understand what it is like to live like this. My mom, step-dad and family all thought I was crazy for having surgery and that I should just toughen up. I probably would have given the same advice to myself, had I not lived through the pain. If nothing else, having lived through this has made me more empathetic toward others and their struggles. I'm praying you have a great surgery and have full recovery and can return to your life.
Kathy

[Hooch]

Thanks Cindy, I appreciate it. I know it's all personal stuff, but I just wanted to get that **** out before I begin the next step. Just so much struggle you know, and not a whole lot to show for it yet. I'm 28. Anyway, it could be worse, plenty of people worse off than me, and I've still got a good fighting chance here.

I'm going with Boeree. I'm fortunate to have access to treatment of choice. It'll be a M6 l4\l5, ALIF l5\S1. Will have the op in a week. I'll make a thread a bit later when things settle down and I get back. You've had one, it's a long recovery with these fusions hey, so I expect there'll be a lot of steady steady rehab and wait and see.

Cheers,
Chris.