Tough Times

[Hooch]

"Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."

Edit - ok, seriously, don't read this unless u are as bored or lost as I am. this is what it is, and if u don't want to see my dirty laundry, then do urself a favour and dont read it. Some people dont approve of such emotion, that's ok, but u are welcome to go and disapprove somewhere else. I didn't think but maybe this is better on a blog.

I saw this quote and thought it was very kind and supportive. Suicide can be many things and done for many reasons, but it does seem to be ultimately done because someone sees no way out. Sometimes they're dead right too.

My resources for coping with the mental anguish are being run down. I knew this would happen. I had to lose everything I damn well had to get to his point, and I put all my energy into setting things up so the surgery had every chance of success with the prehab and the rehab.

But I lost everything and I knew it would cane me. Losing the place you live, whatever friends you have, your job, the things that you do that you imagine define you, this puts and immense load on you. When you are offered exactly zero emotional support from family and friends, even when you ask politely, the load increases. I knew this would happen. The friends and family I was probably a little surprised and hurt by, as I thought I set the bar pretty damn low, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it.

When you put a risky spine surgery on top of that, you're really testing an individual quite severely.

I've had

1. My one mate from where I lived tell me I'm going to have a bit of a bludge now, after I lost all my jobs and was chasing surgery. I think this was after he asked me to help him push start his Landcruiser. This bloke lives off his wifes earnings and hasn't worked in about 3 years. He went from studying full time to studying part time while unemployed as it was 'too much'. I worked full time, studied part time, while trying to rehab myself and in severe pain for 2 and a half years. Go figure.

2. I reached out to one friend, specifically because I thought he might be the bloke to have it in him to at least understand a little. I told him where I was at. I didn't want anyone to save me or walk my road for me, I just wanted to tell someone that I was going for the knife now and to say goodbye and good luck and I care about you. He asked me if I wanted to go to a trip to Thailand in a couple of months. Yeah, sure, why not. I gave him a call and he was only interested in gossip about the people we used to know. Fair enough.

3. I got back 'home' with a few grand in the bank after travelling 3000km to get there. I was rewarded with an alcoholic abuser of a brother and a Mum who has been his enabler for 10 plus years. I couldn't stay there with them and listen to the drinking and the abuse. I'd left their 4-5 years ago in disgust and nothing had changed. I was told by my Mum, 'you don't need your family right now'. My 'brother' is a disgrace to himself and his family. I was living at a friend of the families holiday house on their charity and hotels and motels. One night I had to drive 200km to find a place to sleep.

My Mum (who has been kind enough to help out with lifts and shopping while she is on school holidays) told me today he might be leaving soon and that was lucky for me as I could 'come back'. I fear she is delusional. If I was broken down and had nothing and no way back I would go for the pension and live in a caravan. I have no desire to be some pathetic character living with his elderly mother. I would take the gun before such a humiliation. I'd rather be a cranky old cripple living on the breadline and have some semblance of independance and identity.

4. Before the surgery I confided my fears to my old man about what could happen, how scared I was (I was fair dinkum terrified and anxious) and what happens if I am a surgical failure. He suggested I go and talk to someone. A professional. After all, what else is your old man for, if not to direct you to psychologists in times of emotional stress? I think I dropped him at the train station and just said go.

One week after the surgery he rang me and asked me how it was going. Yeah, not too bad all things considered. He started to tell me about when I get back what I should and how I should approach it, and how I should probably find someone to talk to (again, a professional). I was a bit tired of it all, and said, listen to me, and I'll tell you how I'm going to rehab from this. Because this meant he couldn't uphold his facade of being in control of the situation, he said don't talk to me like I'm a 5 year old, sounded like he was on the verge of tears or something, and have a nice life then hung up on me. Honestly I've never heard of anything like it. I emailed him once to say look I'm not angry or anything but I don't really have the time or interest now to play this game of making you feel better about yourself, and he said fair enough but he won't say anymore because what he says can't be unsaid. The truth is he is a coward and a bully, he flogged me mercilessly until I was 16 when I flogged him and ever since it's been martyrdom and guilt. Whatever, he's not a bad bloke, but we are what we are.

5. My nice old lady neighbour Carmel, who knew why I was leaving town and wished me the best sent me a Christmas card. I sent her a card back when I returned. I like Carmel.

Oh I also had to give up my dog to my other bro. What sort of a bloke can't look after his own f***ing dog! crikey

Anyway so I needed and still do need a shoulder to cry on, but I've known for a long time that wasn't going to happen. I knew it was going to roll like this when I was finally physically breaking down for the last time and everyone was looking at me as if I was some sort of curiosity. That's cool, I can deal with that. When I left my job, all I wanted was to say to my boss, I'm busted, I've given it everything, now I have to go for the knife. But I couldn't even do that as the joint was taken with such vicious backstabbing, incompetence, greed and just people being motivated by fear that I just left. I was disgusted. I did speak to a good bloke I knew who had punted the joint before I left and confided my situation. I actually emailed my old, old boss at one stage and confided my situation (I was obviously desperate for someone to see how tight things were and give a ****, he was supportive and said at least I still had my health. I couldn't walk without severe pain and was unemployable at the ripe old age of 28)

Anyway so now what I will do is set an appointment with a psych I knew from years back. I spoke to him years ago after everything imploded, and he was different, not judgemental and not viewing me as some sort of grab bag of personality disorders. It's not what I want to do, but I have no one to talk to, no friend to lean on, so I will.

I have a couple of other mates I've spoken to, but I was very careful not to reveal how desperate I really felt. The is truth that sort of showing of emotion more often than not ends friendships in my experience. I carefully picked a few people I hoped I could temporarily lean on, but no bets paid off. I know why, it's because it's the invisible disorder. I never said a thing about it for years, and the truth is someone sees someone else who cannot cope with their pain they despise them for their weakness. Yet if we some injury free knucle head belt out a few situps and smile a big dopey grin we admire them for their strength. I'd been through a lot in my early 20's and that taught me to admire people for their struggles, as that is when we fight the hardest. But I think now that only a small minority of people think this way.

I know some people will be reading this or looking at this wall of text and whinging and think things have gone well for you, there are a lot of people who would kill to be in your position. And that is true. But also, in the words of Kurt Vonnegut, why don't you go take a flying f*** at a rolling donut, why don't you take a flying f*** at the moon. I'm not going to hold this **** inside me anymore because it's eating me alive and if my only friend is a laptop so be it. I knew going into this that the way I was going to do it was going in the psych lit bring on a lot of stressors at once, and I knew I was going to take a knock. And that's ok, I can take knocks, but at some point I have to express my feelings and my despair as I am not a robot and I am not built to suffer, and if I continue to lock it up I will become quite severely depressed and that's when people end up doing stupid things.

I've pressed all this down for months and months, probably a year and a half I've been chocking my personal self back in order to achieve some semblance of what I sacrificed for up north, to get through the surgery and to fight people to make sure I had a place to stay and to fight the medical professionals to make sure I was treated and not chucked on the pain management scrap heap, so now I need to let it bubble back up and get out of me. I was up last night and all the fear and despair about no longer being able to be a man and have the chance to have a family and have the ability to support them and I let it come up and shake through me. These are the things that we are built as people to do, and that's what chronic pain and disability take from us, to be all we can be. We are not built to take it and that's why it hurts so much and is so hard to manage. And that's why no one who hasn't experienced can understand. How could anyone understand? Having so much ripped away by pain? It sounds ludicrous to someone who hasn't dealt with such an insidious beast.

Ok that's out. That forum says support, bind mody and spirit so I'm allowed to do this. I don't want approval or anything, but I'm here and that's how I damn well feel. I don't mind a tl;dr, that is more than fair enuff, but if anyone tells me to get help I swear to god I will do thing where I punch you thru a computer screen.

Be well enuff.

Stauny.

[KBear]

Chris, I'm sorry that you have a tough go at things. Hormonal me is crying reading your story. I know how I felt unsupported and like no one got it and I did have a husband, kids and a good friend who really tried to get it. I can't imagine having no support. I think that's why this forum works and people really do genuinely care about others and you don't see the cat fights like on other forums. We are all connected by the common thread of chronic pain and the stresses it causes.

Waiting for surgery to take away the pain is so hard too. Seems like as spineys all you do is wait, wait for the next injection to work, for the next miracle cure to take away the pain, for the next surgery. Even though logically we realize it can take a year or two to heal, we all like to think that we will be better quicker and it's hard being patient and waiting for that healing. I know I had to up my antidepressant after surgery because I was just overwhelmed with it all. Suicide was often on my mind and I had a plan for executing it. I was convinced everyone would have been better off without me. It took awhile, but I did get better (physically and emotionally.) I never really thought that I would ever be doing this good. I thought that only happened to other people and "why would I be the lucky one?" We all have different desires for what we want in life or what we will do if we become pain free. My biggest desire was another child. All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a stay at home mom. About 6 months after surgery I decided I had to give up that dream, that it would never happen. I gave all of my baby stuff away, got rid of all my maternity clothes, everything. I forced myself to move on because I couldn't take the wishing and wanting and it not happening. Not in a million years did I imagine that I would actually be able to have another baby and be pain free... yet everyday that is my reality and I am so thankful for that. It does get better. I've seen some impossible situations on here, where I thought that person doesn't have a shot, they are in a bad situation and then I've seen those people beat the odds and are living pain free or close to pain free lives. It can and does happen, so don't give up.

I hope you are able to get some more emotional support and I'm sorry that your family and friends have been such a letdown. On a funny note, I had one 'friend' who loved to tell me that they had 'such a high pain tolerance' and about the back pain they lived through..... which lasted all of 2 weeks and was fixed by a chiropractor. This was supposed to 'relate' to me and help me somehow. I just wanted to punch her. It's easy to throw out useless advice when you haven't been there. Kinda like I used to have all kinds of parenting advice and judgments on parents before I was one, now I know that I know nothing.... really surprised one of the moms or dads that I gave my 'wisdom' to didn't knock me out. LOL

Hope today is a better day,
Kathy

[Cindylou]

Hey Chris,

I sent you a PM. Cindylou

[ajj1001]

sorry, it completely sucks. x

[Hooch]

About 6 months after surgery I decided I had to give up that dream, that it would never happen. I gave all of my baby stuff away, got rid of all my maternity clothes, everything. I forced myself to move on because I couldn't take the wishing and wanting and it not happening.

Is the hardest thing, giving up on your dreams. That must've rocked you. Ty for your honesty, re suicide, I've had some plans and all that, as a fallback. It's stupid I know, but I promised myself I wouldn't let myself suffer like this for the rest of my days, one way or another, that's how I got through it, but not the healthiest approach. But what can you do, it's not a healthy situation. You'd like to think your stronger, it's unpleasant when u find ur limit. Meh.

I'm not giving up, I just can't keep all that crap inside me, someones gotta listen. Thanks for listening Kathy. I'll just rock on, the back and everything is going largely to program, the head will follow.

Alison I realised when I was in the UK that the Brits are very understated, and I suspect some of their upper lips are made of titanium. So thank you, I appreciate it.

Chris.

[Hooch]

On a funny note, I had one 'friend' who loved to tell me that they had 'such a high pain tolerance' and about the back pain they lived through..... which lasted all of 2 weeks and was fixed by a chiropractor. This was supposed to 'relate' to me and help me somehow. I just wanted to punch her

What a hero. I think some people just have a chronic case of cranial rectal inversion.

[bigdogchief76]

On a funny note, I had one 'friend' who loved to tell me that they had 'such a high pain tolerance' and about the back pain they lived through..... which lasted all of 2 weeks and was fixed by a chiropractor. This was supposed to 'relate' to me and help me somehow. I just wanted to punch her.

I have quietly had to hold my tongue on more than one occasion when someone I knows offers their idea of relating to my problem.

Its equivalent to saying that I have the ability to fix drought like conditions by simply peeing on the ground.

If more people would simply just say, "I wish you the best and is there anything I can do" it would make life a bit easier.

[bigdogchief76]

Ok that's out. That forum says support, bind mody and spirit so I'm allowed to do this. I don't want approval or anything, but I'm here and that's how I damn well feel. I don't mind a tl;dr, that is more than fair enuff, but if anyone tells me to get help I swear to god I will do thing where I punch you thru a computer screen.

If I could I would gladly take you out for a beer (not in a weird way but in a bro type of way) That's about as much approval you would probably get from me...lol...it's the only way I know how to express sympathy...lol

Feel free to vent anytime....

[Gilbert P]

Hey Wow

We should all get together and have many beers and vent our frustrations \

A week in the Tetons would do us all good

Gil

[Justin]

Hey Chris,

Your post is why this Forum (Body, Mind & Spirit) exists. You have a lot on your plate and we are here to support you--spine issues are completely draining mentally and physically. They profoundly change one's being--every fiber of it. I have to run right now...

I sent you a PM.