WHY!! Do I TORTURE myself?

[Mary.Mary]

Hey all!!

LONG TIME NO SPEAK!! I am SO sorry for not really being in touch. This WHOLE 1 year Anniversary of my hubby's death thing took a harder toll on me than I thought!!

I won't even begin to go into the Insurance Co. B.S I have been dealing with, UGH!!

Anyways, as for the title that I put, I had my aunt come down for a couple days, we took Amiah to a bunch of places, i.e. Toronto Zoo, Ontario Place even a Toronto FC game ( those tickets were given to me by my late hubby's boss) HE LOVED SOCCER!!

So, now that I am back at home and PAYING for it all, I have to sit back and wonder WHY?? Amiah is becoming more of a chore, I mean she DOESN'T STOP!! Even my aunt was like OMG where does she get the energy and HOW do you deal with her with your back as sore as it is, I guess it is just SOMETHING you have to do!!

Well my friends, I have to admit, just by loading the DISHWASHER this morning I have flared myself up to the point that I feel like I have been hit by a MACK TRUCK!! I think I have honestly come to the conclusion that I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE!!! IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE IN SO MUCH PAIN AND HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF A 17 MTH OLD ALL BY MYSELF!!

OK! Well, I am SORRY for constantly complaining about the same thing over and over, but I REALLY DO NOT know what I am suppose to do, I am at a dead end, sorta speak!!

THANKS as always for the ear!!!

Hope all is well with all of you and that you are having less of a pain DAY!!

[KBear]

Mary, I always say if I could bottle up my kids energy and sell it, I would be a billionaire! What I wouldn't give for that kind of energy.

It is so hard to raise kids, much less in pain. I was injured when Ava was 2 weeks old and Emma was 2 1/2. It gets easier as the get older, in some ways, in others harder. Mine fight with each other more now that they are older; but also can entertain themselves somewhat now. Ava constantly wants held and carried, which is just killer on my back. And with kids, it's mountains of laundry and tons of dishes, which doesn't help the back either. I also have a hard time bathing them, so I usually just give them a bath with me, so I don't have to bend and wash them. Another thing I do to help myself, is to pre-make cups with milk, water, etc. and peel fruit and other snacks, so they can help themselves to it.

I also try to do fun stuff with them, but sometimes I just can't. Mine will watch tv with me, of course I have to watch cartoons, but that way I can lay on the heating pad and cuddle them. Also, I give the best of me to hubby and them, I used to always try to give the 'best' to everyone else; but now, everyone else gets whatevers left (if any is left).

Sorry you aren't feeling good, it will get better. Will say a prayer for you.

[Cindylou]

Mary, is there any way you can afford to hire someone, like a teenager, or someone from your church (if you have one...) to do some basic chores for you a few days a week? And what about a Mother's Day Out Program? Do you have anything like that in Canada? That was a lifesaver for me when my boys were little, and my budget was very tight. Or perhaps a college student who is majoring in early childhood education? I'm just trying to think outside the box a tad. How about any other relatives besides your aunt who could help? Or even your aunt, or is she too elderly?
Mary, I can't begin to know what it is like for you with a toddler, in pain, and no husband. The only thing that could barely touch it, is when I became a single mother when my 3 sons were quite young. My youngest at that time was about 20 months. But I wasn't in physical pain, like you. I did work full-time, was too proud to receive government assistance, but I would stand in line to get my free brick of cheese and milk. (WICA program) Mary, I will pray for you too. I never thought I would get through those dark days oh so many years ago, but I did, and you will too. God bless you Mary.

[Katie]

Lordie I feel for you.

In our area we have a high school program where the students have to do so many hours of community service in order to graduate. I know it is out till fall now, but how about contacting the closest school board and asking if some girls could come and help you with your daughter. You would certainly qualify for that. I had boys clean my barn for me. They were glad to get the 'points' and I was ecstatic for the help.

I honestly don't know how you do it. I barely coped with two young ones at home without any help, and I wasn't hurting like you are.

Go to your mental health clinic...you must have one close by, and ask for help. I will dig around and see what other associations may offer something for you. There is an Ontario association called the Trillium Fund which may be able to help with funding for childcare, things like that. Just tossing out ideas quickly....look it up on Google for your area, and don't take no for an answer. But be polite about it all, as hard as that is right now

[Justin]

Mary, I'm so sorry that you are having to do everything on your own and in pain. I'm not going to pretend that I know what's it's like to be a Mother, but I do know it is the hardest, most underpaid "job" on earth. I can't imagine doing as much as you are in pain.

There are many good suggestions above. I wish you the best with everything on your plate, and if there is anything I (we at SPS) can do, please let me know.

We are here for you.

[KBear]

I second the Mother's Day Out program. My older one is in school during the school year and the youngest goes to MDO 2 days a week, 5 hours each day. I pay $180 a month, which is about average here. Most of these programs are at churchs; but by no means do you have to attend the church to have your child there. My daughter goes to the Baptist church MDO, because it is close to my house; but we attend a different church. It's so nice to get those 2 days to just me, with no kids. Over the summer, there is not a MDO program and I'm missing my time, majorly.

I also second the getting a younger girl to help you. I have a niece I will bring over, she loves to play with the kids and can give me a little help around the house. I don't pay her a ton, as she likes just getting out of the house and getting to do stuff with us. I will take them to eat lunch or for ice cream, that way she gets something out of it. I also have several neighbor girls, that I hire to babysit some. I pay $6 or $7 an hour; but that is for 2 kids. I don't always pay that exact amount, it depends on the time. If it is for say 2 hours, I'll pay $20 (that way it makes it worth their time); but if it is 8 hours, I will pay more like $40 (since that is a good days wage for a 15 year old).

[daveinaustin]

To make matters worse, our bodies store our stress in all of the worst places. For myself, it is in my back. For my wife, it is in her neck/shoulders. Hence, when we have great stress, it exasperates our conditions.

<obvious>You are dealing with way too many stressors, and it is affecting your health and happiness.</obvious> You have been given great advice so far, and remember that you have others that do care about you.

You have many stressors that need to get resolved. However, you can't tackle them all at once! The goal is to become calmer so that you can handle them one by one.

Consdier writing down on separate sheets of paper all of your challenges. Then, wait until you feel calm (either in a couple of hours or wait for the next day). Take one challenge at a time, and try to come up with a few solutions. You might need a break of a day or two between each one. If you need help for any of them, don't worry. You have a team on your side to help you with suggestions.


As example, one of your challenges is insurance.

One possible solution is to see if your insurance company has case workers. You might call them and see if your insurance has this service. If you calmly explain everything that's going on in your life, they could try to get someone "on your side" to try to help with the insurance hell. It's worth a call. Not all insurances have this, but some do.

Another solution is to only deal with insurance one or two days a week. Schedule it. That way, you don't have to think about it every day. Rather, it is a stressor that's compartmentalized on known days of the week.


Also, consider writing down the things that are currently going right! Also, include some of your favorite quotes, funny things, and/or biblical passages if you are religious. Include some of your favorite pictures of Amiah. When you feel overwhelmed, go to these notes and pictures to help calm down.

Sometimes, just making it through the day is a battle. Look forward to the good days ahead of you, and just try to manage through the challenging days the best that you can.

-Dave