Wishing all a Happy 2010, and working through a few issues

[daveinaustin]

I sincerely wish all of you a happy, and a better 2010. 2009 has been a rough year for many of us. I sincerely hope and pray that 2010 will bring the beginning of a step forward for all of us towards healing and reduced pain.

As some people have noticed and kindly PM'd me, I have not been online much over the past month. Unfortunately, my back took a turn for the worst after three excrutiating flights in October and November attempting to consult with a doctor, not having the heart to cancel a family vacation planned 10 months ago, and then finally meeting up with the doctor.

Since then, my condition has significantly deterioriated, and I can only spend about an hour out of bed per day. I cannot sit nor stand without strong pain, regardless of medicinal regimen.

My wife and doctors advised me to reduce stress and attempt to overcome the increased depression. Unfortunately, in order for me to help others, I internalize the pain that others feel. It's just how my personality and composition is made of. This is also one of the reasons why you haven't heard from me lately.

Although my wife recently thought it would be a good idea to post my depression and challenges on the forum, I did not want to be seen as needy, or as a burden onto others. But, rather, to be seen as a person who could provide assistance to others during their time of their needs, and to provide research and insight.

However, it was brought to my attention that I am nothing more than a time waster to those who could be assisting others. This was the last thing that my currently low esteem could take, after 11 years of back issues, endless procedures/surgeries, and 3 1/2 years of severe, chronic pain.

Even with the state of current technology, I am outside the 80% case of those who can be treated. My doctors do not have the time to determine the source of my pain, which has lead me to hundreds if not thousands of hours of painstaking research. I still cannot definitely determine why I have such chronic pain, and have not been able to provide the support that my family deserves. It seems if you fall outside of the ailment pareto curve, nobody gives a damn about your condition.

The last year has truly been a nightmare. When I was three, my father was hit by a drunk driver, leaving him unable to be the father that I needed. Unfortunately, I have now become him. Besides no longer being able to support my family, it has been extremely painful not being able to teach them how to ride a bike, swim, or throw a football. Those who are parents can understand.

In order to no longer be a burden upon others, I simply want to sincerely thank those who've kept me in their prayers, have given encouragement during my last surgery, and who have spent their precious time trying to help determine the source of my pain. I did not mean to be such a burden to those who tried to help.

Unfortunately, I have not improved, and am slated for yet another fusion surgery next Thursday. There is some conjecture on the cause of my pain. But, there is still nothing conclusive. My only prayer is that this surgery does not leave me more incapicatated than where I am today.

Good luck to all in 2010. Signing off, and best wishes. Sorry for the bummer post on New Years, but providing closure might provide the "kick in the pants" to move me forward.

Farewell,

-Dave

p.s., Thank you Justin for creating such an open atmosphere for people who need assistance. It is unique, and you have helped so many with their needs. I sincerely wish you the best with your future!

[ajj1001]

I sincerely wish all of you a happy, and a better 2010. 2009 has been a rough year for many of us. I sincerely hope and pray that 2010 will bring the beginning of a step forward for all of us towards healing and reduced pain.

Thats exactly what I am hoping for. My husband asked what I wanted from 2010 and I said for it not to be 2009 again. Not a year I would want to live through again.

Although my wife recently thought it would be a good idea to post my depression and challenges on the forum, I did not want to be seen as needy, or as a burden onto others. But, rather, to be seen as a person who could provide assistance to others during their time of their needs, and to provide research and insight.

However, it was brought to my attention that I am nothing more than a time waster to those who could be assisting others. This was the last thing that my currently low esteem could take, after 11 years of back issues, endless procedures/surgeries, and 3 1/2 years of severe, chronic pain.

You are not a burden. Please share if you need to or if you don't want to post on the forum PM me. Sometimes all that keeps me battling on is knowing that I am not the only one going through this. Best wishes that 2010 is an improvement for you.

[Katie]

Dave, you have done nothing but provide wonderful help to me, with saying almost nothing about your own miserable position. Your post is like a kick in the belly to me; I feel awful that you have spent so much energy out of your very limited day by helping me. You have a huge heart and have worked endlessly to provide relief to complete strangers.

If I could carry some of your pain, I would. You of all people don't deserve this complication, of not knowing how to fix things. It's hard enough when the cause of the pain is fairly obvious...another completely when you feel completely lost and that no one cares to help. You are special, very special...and it comes with complications unfortunately.

I pray that you find relief with the latest surgery and that you feel well enough to come back and post progress reports. I second Alison with the hope that you will PM if you feel the need to talk. I will truly miss your imput. Thanks my friend.

[Cindylou]

Dave, I tag you back and wish you a happy, healthy 2010. You certainly have been no burden to me. I thoroughly appreciate your insights and the compassionate person you so richly are.

Please don't lose sight of the fact that sometimes we are the givers, and other times the receivers in life. It's okay to be a receiver when life throws us these endless curve balls. We wouldn't know how to give, if we haven't experienced the comfort of receiving, when we need it so desperately. I will keep you in my prayers for this upcoming surgery and hope it will give you some measure of relief. I do know exactly what you mean about the medical system not giving a damn if you fall out of the "cure curve," I like to call it. It is sadly true.

What I don't understand is why you would be leaving SPS when you so clearly need support, my friend. That's why we are here. You cannot do this alone. None of us can. This is your time to receive. Tap into us......we are here for you. PM me if you would prefer.

I hope you will reconsider your departure. Oh, and one other thought.....try not to beat yourself up by concluding you have become your Father....I know, very hard not to do, but your life circumstances are very different from your Father's, and your dependents are still very young. You have a long time to still recover and be the supportive Father I know you are inside.

God bless my friend,

Cindylou

[New-disc]

Dave,

Sorry to hear the news... your in my prayers.

Please feel free to e-mail camaro_travels@yahoo.com

I also have a wife, and kids ... teaching them to have love, and compassion for someone is one of the best gifts I was able to give them.

Todd

[Cindylou]

Amen Todd. Well said. :thumpup:

[Justin]

p.s., Thank you Justin for creating such an open atmosphere for people who need assistance. It is unique, and you have helped so many with their needs. I sincerely wish you the best with your future!

Dave, you are not a burden to any of us. You have been so extremely supportive and caring to so many Spine Patient Society Members even while facing your own struggles. If that is not the definition of selflessness, I don't know what is.

You have been through so much over the last year. However, I do know that your "turning point" is near and that your perseverance will pay off. We are here for you unconditionally--no matter what procedure, surgeon or plan you decide to pursue. We care about you and your well-being. At the end of the day, the SPS is for Spine Patients to connect and support one another. If we can't support one another, who will?

Back pain and spine issues can be isolating to the point where you feel like the only survivor on the "Island of Pain." We (I) have been in your shoes to a certain degree over the last 15+ years, and without the stories of others to connect with and the common goal of feeling better, I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. I make sure to frequent these Forums daily, as I know how much they have helped me during some of the most challenging struggles I have faced to date.

We are here to face these temporary struggles with you.

I know you will ultimately be triumphant, as there are many great days lurking around the corner.

[Katie]

Dave, Cindylou said it best: "We are here for you unconditionally--no matter what procedure, surgeon or plan you decide to pursue. We care about you and your well-being. At the end of the day, the SPS is for Spine Patients to connect and support one another. If we can't support one another, who will?"

I sincerely hope that you will stay on the forum and share your wealth and progress reports with us. Hugs.

[KBear]

Dave,
You have definitely not been a burden to me. You have been very helpful and never fail to make me laugh when I am having a bad day. If all of us were in a position to help, and no one needed help, it wouldn't be much of a forum. I know I have been on both sides of the help. It is easy to feel needy and unhelpful when you aren't feeling good; but that is a lie. I had times where I had convinced myself that my kids would be better off if I were dead. Now, I know that isn't true; but at the time it sure felt that way.

I also understand internalizing others problems, as I am that personality too. It just means that we love and we love deeply. This is something I have been dealing with in the last couple of weeks and trying to not do; but I don't know how to stop. I dream about my nephew, it's all I can think about. I try not to think about it, but I can't. While that can definitely be bad for our emotional health, it is also a gift to those around us (our spouses, children) as they get real unconditional love.

I hope you will once again share with us what is going on in your life. I know it can feel like we are only taking, when we are in those positions; but we want to be there for you. I know I never thought I would get to where I am today. While I am not out of pain, I am much better and can enjoy my life again. You too will get there. It took me 3 years before I had someone tell me what was wrong with me. On the 12th of this month, is 4 years since my accident. This is definitely not something I had planned for my life, or wanted, or would want to do again; but you couldnt' give me anything in the world to take it away. I have grown so much through these trials, and learned so much, that I can now see that it did benefit me.

Happy New Year and I am praying for you and your family!
God Bless,
Kathy

[dalhousie]

Dave - I've been without an internet connection for the past few days & when I read your post was taken aback. I just want to reiterate what other people have said - you've in no way been a burden. I don't know who led you to think this but I guess some people can say some pretty mean, hurtfull things. I truly hope your upcoming surgery is successful & brings you the relief you so need - for me the pre & post op phase is a time when I was in desperate need of the contact & support of others who had gone through similar procedures. I hope you can stay on the forum but understand if you feel you can't for the timebeing.

Praying that 2010 is a much better year for you & that the bad times are behind you.

Take care.