words for a co-worker that made burst into tears...

[laid up doc]

so until about a month ago, i was working part time in a hospital... a coworker who worked "under" me just sent me this on facebook:

"[laid up doc], How are you. It was sad to see you go. It sounds like life is still treating you bad. I hope things get better for you. I always thought that you were a wonderful person. Take care."

i replied in thanks, told him i hope to be better soon but don't know that i'll return, to which he said

"No trouble. Remember some of us are always still here for you. Take care and will miss your beautiful smile. "

he's not the only one who was shocked to learn what sort of pain i was working through, nor who expressed how much they liked working with me. i know he meant well and it's obviously a really nice thing to say... but it just reminded me of what a downward spiral my life has taken over the last 2.5+ years. i'm glad i was still able to put on my normal "me" face most of the time - but i know i was never 100%. they might not have been able to handle my extraversion and energy then!!! many of the nurses would come to me b/c i don't yell, listen to them and pts, etc etc... yet i'm the one w/ all of the bad luck.

i have a plan in place and all, but it still saddens me to know that i've lost this much of the prime of my life to this ****. ok, venting done... back to travel planning.

[Katie]

This reminds me of one of my favourite mantras....Be Kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a difficult battle. And my second favourite? Never face the facts.

Doc, you obviously are truly valued as a co-worker and boss. That is rare, and you are blessed to learn that. Have faith that you will return to your 'life', no matter what form it takes in the future. So many of us have been robbed of our best years....I was newly married when my back pain hit...talk about ruining the honeymoon years. But this speed bump that each and every one of us spineys experience teaches us humility and compassion and educates us in ways we never expected.

You and Justin have learned to be better doctors because of it. Neither of you will dismiss a patient in pain, nor look at them the same way again. Not that you either would have done it deliberately, but this puts a new spin on things.

I've tried to look at this as a gift, and it has helped my perspective. I truly hope I can pass on what I've learned to others who are at the starting point in their knowledge for recovery.

I also have been stunned at people who have come up to me after learning of my surgery and say how surprised they were that my condition was so severe, that they had never heard me complain. Guess that's one advantage of being a hermit...I can show my very seldom good face when possible, and no one questions much where I am hiding

[Justin]

Plan and pack those bags, laid up doc. I completely understand where you are coming from -- I've had some extremely dark, trying days over the last couple of years (well, around 10 for that matter). It's truly amazing what kind of pain we can work through. One thing to remember is that once you are better (and you will be soon! ) is that our physiology is not the same as those around us. I typed a lot and deleted it--I would be more comfortable talking about this offline with you.

You'll be back to the good of life in no time.

[laid up doc]

that should have been words FROM... but i can't edit it. but i digress.

katie, you're right that some of my perspective has changed - but i have had various, but minor, medical challenges throughout my life that taught me some important lessons before i even started wearing the short white coat of a medical student. when i see people w/ a back pain flare in my place of work, i sit down and talk to them, try to figure out whether they have discogenic or muscular pain give them a speech about why they need a spine specialist (preferably pain) managing them, b/c i'm the "acute pain dr", not a "chronic pain dr". some people i even showed my TENS unit and basically told them that while i don't know THEIR pain, i know PAIN and i can empathize.

unfortunately, i'm a big time extrovert, so i don't hide well. i also worked in a very public job where i dealt with many, many people over the course of a day every time i went to work. most of my coworkers had no idea i had anything wrong w/ me til they saw me wince or mess with my TENS unit.

i've lost a few friends who, frankly, have never faced significant adversity in their lives. those who have, or are just true friends, are still there and will be there. sucks to face this sort of test at 33, but what choice do i have?

justin, when i look back at my darkest hours, it honestly scares me. i'm in a much better place since i've started making tough decisions rather than just trying to push through the pain - each one makes me feel more optimistic and want to fight even harder.

[Katie]

I wasn't trying to make light of your pain, or the frustration that you are experiencing. I've been there, done that as well. And it is both scary and astounding on how much our bodies and minds really can handle...I just wish we had never been put to the test. Most of us have been balancing on the edge, wondering if it was worth continuing at least once, especially if we hadn't had any solution in sight.

And yes, friends have fallen by the wayside. But others have risen far above the call of friendship and added to a shortened but so very strong list of people I can count on. My friends from high school (the early 70s ) insisted on meeting us in Brazil the day or two after my surgery, simply to provide us with support. Looking back, I can't imagine making it through that time without them...they provided a much needed distraction for both my husband and I. They are of modest means, but this was important to them...even though we usually don't see each other but once every ten years or more.

Those that whined about a paper cut and tried to compare, to 'match' our miseries...well, they fell off that list And it is harder to relate to friends with hardships when you are younger. Those of us who are sliding past middle age have many more friends who have experienced dips and dark times, just because of the number of miles traveled in life.

i'm in a much better place since i've started making tough decisions rather than just trying to push through the pain

This is a difficult lesson to learn...taking charge takes guts. Congratulations on making those tough decisions. It will pay off, and you will get your life back even if it doesn't look so bright right now. I admire your strength and 'stick-to-it' attitude.

[KBear]

Laid up doc- I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's no way to live. I think we all have to mourn our former lives and what we thought was going to happen. When I was in my wreck (that started my pain and downward spiral), I was 25 years old, had a 2.5 year old & 2 week old baby, had just become a stay at home mom and literally had everything I had ever wanted (husband, kids, home, staying at home). Life was good. Then it was all ripped away from me. I wasn't allowed to lift over 5 lbs (baby was 8lbs 13oz at birth, so couldn't pick her up). I couldn't even manage the day to day care of my kids and from being someone who is fiercely independent and a go getter, that was a hard blow. I've always been very outgoing and social (my husband jokes that I make friends everywhere) and I never stopped doing things, was always on the go. Before my wreck I'd be busy all the time, in the evenings my husband would tell me to stop doing and sit down and relax (which wasn't in my vocabulary). I went from that, to where the same husband would be asking if I was going to drag my rear off the couch that day. My routine was basically pain pills, heating pads and the couch (my skin on my back is just now healing from the burns I had all over from heating pad over-usage). I was miserable and went from being super social to locked in my house, scared to leave for fear of getting into pain and being stuck out. I quit talking to friends and family and sunk into a depression. I wanted to die and fantasized about it a lot. I hated that my youngest daughter had never known what a good fun mom I could be and had been. Some of the first phrases she said were 'my back hurt' 'mommy you back hurt' and 'mommy you not hold me'. Absolutely heartbreaking. I was also told no more kids for me, which I know sounds trivial since I already had 2; but for someone who's only dream was to grow up and be a stay at home mom, that was a hard hit.

By the time I went in for surgery I knew I couldn't go on like I was. Something had to give and soon. Which reminds me of a story in a story- my dad is having cervical surgery in a week and he was asking me the other day if I had been scared of dying while I was in surgery. It was then that I realized that I had not, I would have welcomed the relief at that point. I had no life when I went in, rarely went anywhere and it took everything I had just to function on the most basic level day to day. (let me add I'm hoping this makes sense as I've stopped and started typing 5+ times because my baby is being cranky this morning). Anyhow, as we all now know, surgery worked, it took time as I was a 'slow' healer. I got to have another baby and have gotten my life back. I'm once again busy all day and constantly on the move and living life. One of the major things I got out of being in pain for 4+ years is that I now so much more appreciate what I have, the life and living it. Some people don't learn that lesson until it's too late or most of their life is over, I've been lucky enough to learn it in my 20's. I savor every minute I'm pain free and all the small things in my life. I'm so much more empathetic now than before. My children have also grown through this and become better people because of it.

To quote someone else "I wouldn't go through it again for anything in the world; but I wouldn't take what I learned from it away for anything in the world."

It gets better and one day you will be the one encouraging the next person that life can happen again.

[laid up doc]

thank you for your thoughtful replies, all of you. makes me feel less weird to know that there are others my age going through the same thing - b/c as ya'll know, when you go to clinic/PT... you feel so out of place. no offense to those older, but when you're 33 and look 25, it's insult upon injury!

i was barely 28 and was in my intern year when i originally got hurt - then my reinjury was in Jan 2009, 1 month after I had signed a contract for my first attending aka "real" job, was finally going to leave a city i didn't really like, and thought i was finally going to be on w/ my life. was working out w/ a trainer, had braces to fix a jaw problem and some tooth issues... then.... pop in my back when i was working out w/ said trainer. been a fight ever since to do any combination of work, sleep, social life. forget having kids... i can't fathom being pregnant or having a newborn. most of my friends are also professionals, and are popping out their kids. i haven't had a steady boyfriend in um... well... really never. wasn't interested in most of my 20's in anything more than a boy toy i'm starting to wonder if i even HAVE a biological clock - i'm just cognitively aware that my ovaries aren't getting any younger!

hopefully i'll be back here in a couple of years, asking kbear and a few others about post-adr pregnancy hope to be back sooner posting my joyous return to activity pictures - i keep realizing that my facebook pictures are all old and i look too damn fat in the recent ones. until my stupid lawsuit is settled, i try to keep my identity less specific - but all they'd find is stuff that's bad for them anyway.

[KBear]

forget having kids... i can't fathom being pregnant or having a newborn. most of my friends are also professionals, and are popping out their kids. i haven't had a steady boyfriend in um... well... really never. wasn't interested in most of my 20's in anything more than a boy toy i'm starting to wonder if i even HAVE a biological clock - i'm just cognitively aware that my ovaries aren't getting any younger!

hopefully i'll be back here in a couple of years, asking kbear and a few others about post-adr pregnancy hope to be back sooner posting my joyous return to activity pictures - i keep realizing that my facebook pictures are all old and i look too damn fat in the recent ones. until my stupid lawsuit is settled, i try to keep my identity less specific - but all they'd find is stuff that's bad for them anyway.

I felt the same way a few years ago, had almost convinced myself that it was fine that I'd only have 2 kiddos. I think it was a defense mechanism, since I knew that it just wasn't possible (at that point anyway). I didn't even want to let myself dream about a 3rd one and get my hopes all up. Now that we have him, hubby and I are (can't believe I'm saying this) thinking about a 4th (we're crazy like that). I had always wanted a large family, but had quit dreaming it during my back issues and tried to accept the hand I had been dealt. It's hard to think past anything spine related when your life is consumed by pain. I remember this bio feedback stuff I did and them saying "don't think about your pain." Like hmmm, really?? when its so bad all the freaking time it's the only thing I can think about.

[laid up doc]

...and now my loan was declined. gonna have to scramble quite a bit to pay for surgery and trip, and worry about everything else later. i never thought i'd end up with this kind of debt

i pleaded w/ the loan guy, that i have a significant income to return to once i'm better.... no dice. ugh.

[trkdoc714]

That's terrible. I had to get a second mortgage and borrow from relatives (not a wise thing to do). Desperation was a driver. There are always other finance sources. I recall some finance companies that will fund surgeries but I don't have their links to offer. I'll see if I can find them on the old computer.

Bob